10 Ways to Spot a Dirty John: Before He Breaks Your Heart (and Steals Your Car)
A Guide to Spotting a Scammer
Dear Friend,
After nearly nine years of dissecting every true crime series known to man — plus a staggering number of reality shows where someone inevitably confesses to financial fraud or emotional manipulation — I’ve earned an unofficial Ph.D. in Spot-a-Potential-Con-Artist Studies.
My alma mater? The not-yet-real-but-should-absolutely-exist University of Television Studies. (Go Fightin’ Red Flags!)
I’ve watched enough Dateline, Dirty John, and Tinder Swindler to know when a guy says he’s “between jobs” but has three phones and no last name on Venmo, it’s time to run. I’ve seen more red flags than a NASCAR race, and more love-bombing than a 2007 episode of The Bachelor. So whether you're newly single or just mildly concerned your new beau might be secretly married, medically unlicensed, or borrowing your car to “close a deal,” let me help.
Look, I get it — everyone wants to find love. There’s nothing more intoxicating than that initial rush of connection, when it feels like the universe has finally rewarded you for surviving your last situationship, bad breakup, or two-year entanglement with someone who “wasn’t ready for a relationship but acted like your husband.” When you meet someone who seems different — who listens, says all the right things, and makes intense eye contact over brunch — it’s easy to believe fate is finally on your side. Finally! The universe does like me!
But here’s the thing: you have to treat your own love life with the same clear-eyed scrutiny you’d have for your favorite parasocial friend — say, the emotionally generous but questionably discerning woman dating a man through a wall on Love Is Blind.
Here are the 10 signs you may be dating a Dirty John:
#1. Basics
Let’s start with the basics—does he even have a wallet? Not just some rogue credit card floating in a phone case, but an actual wallet with ID, insurance cards, maybe a Costco membership. While he’s in the pool or mid-shower check that driver’s license: does the name match what he told you, or are you suddenly dating Douglas Pasternak instead of “Jake Matthews”? Is the license from the state he said he grew up in, or a random one he never mentioned—like Rhode Island (red flag)? And about that age—does it say 32, or was he 32 a decade ago?
#2. Digital Due Diligence
Does he have social media profiles? Having a Facebook account last updated in 2016 with a profile photo of a sunset does not count. You must look across several platforms. Are the details consistent — name spellings, hometown, job info, photos that appear to be taken in actual, current time zones? Also, look at his followers. Are they normal friends from childhood, college, and his Tuesday night kickball team? Or are they mostly bots with names like “@CryptoPrincess1999” and profile photos of cats in bikinis? Also, very important to note who he follows. Is it a healthy mix of comedians, food bloggers, and maybe a cousin or two? Or is it exclusively hot women, spiritual pyramid scheme leaders, and serial killer fan accounts?
#3. Google Investigations
I need you to type his name into Google — all combinations of it. (Full name, nickname, middle initial, first name + job title, first name + city, first name + “arrest.” You know the drill.) If he mentioned living in Scottsdale for “a few years” in his early 30s, search his name + “Scottsdale.” (Yes, even if it was just “a chapter of growth.” That chapter may have ended with a mugshot.) Look up the names of the companies he’s claimed to work for — do they exist? Are they actual companies or just vague concepts like “a boutique consulting firm in the health space”? (This usually means: nothing.) Check LinkedIn. Does he have a profile? Does it have any connections, endorsements, or a photo that appears to be a professional headshot and not a selfie from a booze cruise?
#4. Meet His Friends (All of Them. From Multiple Life Eras)
If you’ve only met his friends from church, and they all greet you with unnerving eye contact and wear monochromatic outfits, I need to run because he’s in a cult. You need a broad friend sample — like a cross-section of his life story. Think: childhood best friend, a college roommate who still has dirt on him, a coworker who can confirm he’s not just working remotely from someone else’s guest house.
#5. Interview the Friends
While he’s in the bathroom (or conveniently “taking a call from an investor”), seize the moment and casually verify key elements of his origin story. For example, try this: “So what was your favorite memory from when he was up for that Pulitzer?” “Was bobsledding something he always talked about growing up, or did that come later?” “You guys must’ve gone big when he passed the Series 7 and became a stockbroker, right?”
Pay attention to their reaction. Do they wince? Do their eyes dart from side to side? Do they look to have sweat beads running along their forehead?
If someone blurts out, “Wait, he told you he went to Yale?!” — You should start packing up your things.
#6. So… What Does He Actually Do for Work?
If his job title sounds like something a contestant on The Bachelorette would list — “Entrepreneur,” “Investor,” “Brand Architect,” or the ever-elusive “Consultant” — you need to start asking clarifying questions immediately. Real jobs come with nouns, locations, and sometimes even tax documents. Dirty Johns tend to keep things… fuzzy. If every answer about his career starts with “It’s kind of hard to explain…” then no, it’s not a complicated business model — it’s a lie. He should be able to say a basic industry and then build on that with details about bosses, clients, and industry knowledge. If he works in finance ask him, “How do interest rates affect bond prices?” If he changes the subject or it takes him 20 minutes to answer that’s a red flag waving in the wind. Ask follow-ups. What does a typical day look like? Who are his clients? (Then go back to the google search to cross reference that information.)
#7. Meeting His Family
All families have complications, but before you start decoding their dynamics, first ask: Are these actually his real relatives? Do they seem to know specific, lived-in details about who he was at different stages of life—childhood stories, high school habits, old jobs, past relationships? Or are the conversations oddly surface-level, like something pulled from a résumé? Also, very important, do they seem to like him? Do you get the sense they went through period of estrangement, and was it because he stole their credit cards or forged loan documents?
#8. Who is Missing?
Has he ever casually dropped that he “doesn’t talk” to a friend or family member anymore? Is there an ex-best friend who’s now officially “dead to him”? You need to chase that story. Treat this like a recognizance mission. What was the relationship timeline, and reason for dismissal of relationship?
#9. Financial Outlook
Let’s talk about his financial outlook. Is he already dropping hints about moving in together, even though you’ve only known him long enough to finish one Netflix series? What’s going on with his current place—why is it mysteriously “up for lease” next month, and why does he keep avoiding questions about whether the utilities are in his name? How much is that car payment on the vehicle he insists is “an investment,” even though it screams midlife crisis on wheels? Does it make any sense to lease a Maserati when he works as an office assistant? Are the credit cards in his wallet in his name? let’s not forget the elusive “property in the mountains” he keeps referencing—have you seen photos, or is it just a figment of his Zillow browsing history? Does he have a W-2?
#10. Gut Check
After the family recon, financial sleuthing, and ID cross-referencing, it’s time to zoom out and ask: Does this all feel right? Is your nervous system calm around him, or are you constantly playing detective? Do his stories make sense, or are you connecting red flags like it’s a conspiracy cork board? No matter how charming, sexy, or “spiritually aligned” he seems, if the vibes are off and the math isn’t mathing, it’s okay to say, “Thanks for the adventure,” and moonwalk out. Call it intuition, self-respect, or just knowing when someone’s a little too mysterious for your tax bracket. You got-sta go.
Here’s the thing—I want the best for you. I really do. I’ve spent years interviewing people who were scammed, ghosted, love-bombed, or emotionally pickpocketed by someone who seemed normal at first. I’ve done this deep-dive work—cross-referencing, connecting dots, following the trail—because I believe it helps us spot the truth more clearly. So trust your instincts. That’s not nerves - that’s someone who just realized the jig might be up. Ask the weird questions. And never ignore that little voice that says, “Wait… who is this guy, really?”
With love,
Your Best Friend, Kate
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